ITS BACK [DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED]:

"If it smells like a ho, looks like a ho, tastes like a ho... its probably a ho" - Becky "Buckwild" Johnson via Charm School

"If you throw up on the table, you throw up on the table, and that's that" - Ian Smith

"I can't believe I'm on top of you" - Aaron A.

"Welcome to the most insane Christmas house in all of Philadelphia" - Candace M.

"Get away from me. I fuck bitches, you're a homo" - Justin Timberlake via Alpha Dog

Me: Four Fourties?! How are you standing right now?

Lucy P. [pause]: I... I'm English

"I'm not feeling fierce right now" - Christian Siriano

"I cannot let a 17 year old girl overpower me. I cannot let this happen" - Christian Siriano

"We don't play games here" - Rosemary Chen

"I DRIVE the Wahmbulance. Its my primary mode of transportation" - Jenn R.

"Forget about Santa Claus, Tim Gunn is coming to town!" - Jilliane's relative on Project Runway

"Now let's all go get drunk!" - My grandmother

Guy: Do you want to get leid?

Jenn R.: I always want to get laid

"Pick up your condom before the dogs eat it" - My mom

"People die when I belly flop" - Shawnbro

In reference to trannies: "Well, they're the best of both worlds" - My dad

"Shit happens and then you flush" - Wes F.

[While I was crying] "Do you want some wine?" - My mom

After finding out what she thought was a tattoo was really pieces of tape on a woman's shoulder: "Well, she's from California... they do dumb things out there" - My mother

"Simba's just a lazy alcoholic" - Patrick A.

"Like I always say, a hole's a hole" - Peter M.

"I wonder if his hair turns color and falls out in the fall" [in reference to "Bark Man"] - Tom Kolpak

"I missed the step again, so I played it off by skipping over here" - Ashley K.

Aria G.: You just said bitch a lot

Me: No I didn't... really?

Aria G.: Yeah, you said that

"BITCH, SHE AIN'T WIT NO ONE" - Me

"Don't do that in my shirt" - Jenn R.

"You have to be at least 5'7" to ride this ride" - Rachel N.

"I dare you to grow a 7 foot arm" - Jenn R.

"Mel Gibson's out in the corn like "it's the Jews who destroyed my crops!" - I Love the New Millenium LOLOLOL

"Right now its business time" - WHO SAID THIS?! I don't remember.

"I have recently discovered Chinchillas and they are ADORABLE" - Colin M.

"I could be Superman" - Frank S.

"Hancock is just a lush who thinks he's a superhero" - Jenn R.

"We are a hot mess" - Derek A.

On getting a keg for our table at the involvement fair: "That won't get people to write, that will just get them drunk" - Frank S. aka Captain Obvious.

On John McCain: "He would be good to have at your neighborhood BBQ" AND "If he was your sort of Alzheimer's ridden neighbor, he would be adorable" - Jenn R.

"What's your dick doing over there, Chuck?" - Chuck's brother in "The Tooth Fairy"

In reference to the Free Credit Report.com commercials: "I would hope that if I were someone's dream girl they would love me regardless of my poor credit" - Jenn R.

"It just took a little pussy to calm Lindsay Lohan down" - Jenn R.

"Anytime there's an opportunity to wear a costume, I'm there" - Colin M.

Me: I got a Betsey Johnson bag

Scott L.: sounds plaid

"ITS LIKE SHE'S POOPING FABRIC!" - Michael Kors

"DOOOOOONNNN" - the woman from the Cingular commercial

"I like giving head to guys with small dicks because it makes me feel better about my blowjob abilities" - Rachel N.

"I want to get pregnant just so I can have a candle pass." - Danielle R.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A: The 10 year old in my basement - Ashley R. (you probably didn't come up with this, but you're spreading it... so its yours)

"I don't know what Jesus was in for, but my mom found him. We should ask him. 'Hey Jesus, what are ya in for?'" - Jenn R.

"I can't love a man more than I love glam metal" - Kendra G.

"I wish I could be like Plankton in Spongebob and just crawl inside your ear and control you for an hour" - Jenn R. on my inability to function as a human being

"My body can't even nutrient that shit" - Lauren G.

"I'M TAKIN' ZAC EFRON!" - Jenn R.

"Do you have to be 21 to come?" - Me on the phone with a strip club

"I've got a pillow and a sweatshirt, that's enough of a man for me" - Lauren G.

"I think either yours or Lauren's bra is in my bed... look familiar?" - Jenn R.

"It's like being mad at a special ed kid for spilling his milk on you. You can't be mad at that because they're retarded" - Jenn R.

"Who's dick would you rather have in your mouth, Amanda?" - Jenn R.

"Look at me... homeboy wore combat boots to the beach" - Lauren Conrad

"Oink oink, asshole" - woman on Parental Control

"I'm majoring in fucking your daughter 101" - boy on Parental Control

"Thank god for your tits!" - boy at Sig Ep party

"It is awful stressful, somebody could die up in here" - Lukas J. (on the Quad office)

"He took me on the most crackhead way back to Philly" - Colin M.

"There's a crackhead way?" - LJ H.

"So what IS the crackhead way?" - Chris M.

"There was a Dr. Doolittle marathon going on, so that was pretty awesome" - Colin M.

"You think Chinchillas are cute? You should see John McCain's mom" - Frank S.

"If Chinchillas were cheaper, I would have a herd of them and all I would do was giggle because they're so cute. They'd just be swarmin' around me" - Colin M.

"I don't want your emotional dick, just your physical one" - me

"She's not a piece of meat!" - Ryan L. on Roxy the blow up doll

"You better save your breath because you're gonna need it to blow up your new girlfriend" - mom on Parental Control

"Your parents didn't have sex fast enough for you to matter" - Lauren G. on the Bonus Jonas

"Oh, that one looks cool!" - me

"Amanda, that's a butt plug..." - Jenn R.

"I think I danced with her last night..." - old man at the WC diner beginning a conversation about Roxy the blow up doll

"Did you just say your tongue was like Jesus?" - Jenn R.

"Yes, Jesus has a tongue just like mine" - Emily B.

"That's why he has so many followers!" - Erin N.

"Hey, sometimes curbs just pop up" - Kendra G.

"They're the Joe Plumbers of ancient Rome " - Paul Green on the common people in Julius Caesar

"Loretta Happadoo or Ralph Whatever..." - Paul Green

"I said a naughty, I apologize" - Paul Green

"The possessed person was tied to a chair... sounds a little kinky, doesn't it?" - Paul Green

"It's Wednesday, its not good to have sex so early in the week" - Cherise Pollard

"That stupid fuckhead is a fuckhead" - some girl talking to herself outside of Main Hall

"Put your hand down, you fucker!" - Professor Clyburn

"Let me check my ass and see if it's lame" - Prof Clyburn

[in Dracula's voice] "I want to suck your diiiick" - Amelia R.

"I feel gangster" - Angela T.

"Some parts of Africa are preferable to the dreaded state of Arkansas" - Prof Clyburn

[After someone's cell phone started ringing] "That happened in one of my earlier classes, but at least this one wasn't a string of obscenities... MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER..." - Prof Clyburn

"J. Edgar Hoover, between cross dressing and homosexual encounters, found a lot of time to devote to this..." - Prof Clyburn

"I've got a delivery from a Mr... Mop?" - Swiffer commercial

"I am not surprised... you become more and more of a lesbian everyday" - Scott L.

"I gave alcohol to an 18 year old?! Aw man, I am such a bad influence" - Kendra G.

"Nobody in Killinger ever has sex" - Jenn R.

"We should replace all the gold in Fort Knox with cookie dough because if the apocalypse hits, people will be so depressed they'll want cookie dough" - Colin M.

"Seasonal toilet paper? Can you believe it? Wipe your ass on snowflakes" - my mother

"I'm glad this magazine has scratch n'sniff guys. So you can be like 'Taye Diggs, you smell hot too!'" - Jenn R.

"I think I need to hang this scented picture of Taye Diggs" - Jenn R.

"I'm cutting off your arms, Taye Diggs. I just want your face and your chest, I don't care if you have limbs or not" - Jenn R.

"According to my grandma, there's a nude pool on the top deck" - Amanda K.

"Life without orgasms is like a world without flowers" - Paris Hilton in the Hottie or the Nottie

"When I was in grad school, not long after Washington crossed the Delaware..." - Paul Green

"You're gonna get raped by three huge black guys. Not just one, because you have three holes..." - Dan M.

"That's pretty gay guys" - Donnie Shupp

"That's because we didn't have sex and it didn't suck" - me to Frank S.

"I saw Happy eating from a trashcan the other day and thought of you" - Bree

"It'll be a hot time in the old town tonight if you mess with the Inquisition" - Paul Green

"The management would like to remind you that nothing comes out of your pants but tips for the girls" - Zombie Strippers

"Get on the bread truck and haul fucking buns!" - Zombie Strippers

"Make like a tree and get the fuck out!" - Zombie Strippers

"Jelly is NOT good by itself" - Frank S.

"I knew she would empty our fridge, I didn't think it would be this way..." - girl in Legacy while putting a dead fat girl in the fridge

"It's more pure from woman to woman, but once you get a man in there, like everything else, it all goes to shit" - female doctor in Zombie Strippers

"The best butt love is when you're truly IN love" - guy in Another Gay Movie

"There's a party in my pants and its called major gas" - Jess S.

"She kicked ass" - K. Fitts on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"I'm one of the Jonas Brothers" - Dan K.

"And on the 8th day, God took a shit and there was Camden" - Candy M.

"I'm gonna come and harrass you at work" - me

"If you do, I'll kick you in the cunt" - Dan M.

"You wouldn't" - me

"Yes I would... with my third leg" - Dan M.

"I want to go somewhere classy for dinner tonight... like TGI Friday's" - me

"I almost said they should invent something like voice text messages... then I realized that would probably be a phone call" - Jenn R.

"I know we don't like her, but do we really have to kill her in the Holocaust?" - Ashley W.

"The sluts die fast" - Adam Korman, brilliant movie critic

"If the room catches on fire, forget about the Macbook, forget about all the stuff from Steve, forget about all the Phi Mu stuff... the Johns are coming with me" - Jenn R. on her prized signed John Travolta picture from the Grease era, and her 70s teen mag poster of John Stamos

"Your life changes once Kendra gropes you" - Margaret W.

And now, a series of quotes by Flanz about animals he hates:

"If there was a moose outside right now, that would fuck your day up!"

"Birds suck a lot. All they do is make noise and poop"

"I think I'd be okay with a bison, but only if I had a lot of room. Or a wildebeest"

"What if there was a HIPPO outside the diner, and you just had to walk past it everyday?"

"If I hadn't actually seen the dick, I wouldn't have known it was there" - me

"It's like the Scrapple of wine" - Nick P.

"He looked like a puppy, but he was an old man" - Jamie E.

"I have the privilege of not living in Guatemala" -- ???

"This is my pussy, I'm going to praise it" -- ????

"Babe, I love your pubes" - Torrie H.

"Do you know how much cheese I would eat on a daily basis if I lived in Wisconsin? I would eat a cheese wheel everyday."

[insert pause here]

"That is Wisconsin, right?" - Jenn R.

"Please, not that Julie Andrews thing..." - My German Professor on the Sound of Music

"I think every culture has their preferred way of killing each other -- we have the Autobahn, you guys shoot each other" - My German Professor

"That would be like here you don't drink out of a puddle... don't drink tap water in Germany" - My German Professor

"If you pass out, I am NOT folding your laundry" - Jenn R.

"They had to kill him off before he decided to do more acting" -- myself on Robert Pattinson playing Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter

"I have been known to shank a bitch for a parking spot" - Jenn R.

"A Blackberry is the Zac Efron of cell phones. So lovely, but such a douche bag" - Me & Jenn

"Let me shuffle and see if anything good comes up... [insert the beginning of "Nobody's Perfect" by Hannah Montana here]" -- me & Jenn selecting music

"Dogs always want shit from you, cats just wanna straight chill" - Tommy M.

"It's a fat kid kinda day" - Kim M.

"What are you gonna do about itttt" - Drunk girl at U Del (please ask me to actually verbalize this for you)

"I buy you dinner, you buy me milk, that's fair" - Rebekah B.

"You know how I had an orgasm from sex for the first time this week? I just had my first orgasm from cupcake" - Myself

"Tara, bonus points on that picture of Oprah... this is fantastic!" - Colin M.

"Not gonna lie, I would tango with him" - Rae D.

"Amanda, stop! Close your legs!" - Jenn R.

After I asked Jenn if she could take back her earrings she'd let me borrow: "I can't, all my holes are full" - Jenn R.

"Running... like I'm sure we were running from bears at some point." - some woman presenting about eating healthy

"No, I sleep on the bottom, bitch" - Brittany K.

"We're REFURBISHING our minds" - Kris J.

"Some people just like to wipe their asses on pretty things... puppies, sandcastles maybe?" - Laurel J.

"All black people know Oprah" - Tielah W.

"It's the bowling shoes, they give me freedom" - Jamie E.

"Take the check up to the front or sneak out when the Egyptian goes away" - our waiter at the West Chester diner

A series of quotes after we discovered VERY MOLDY carnations in our room:

"This is why we can't have fish!" - Me

"This is why we can't have other roommates!" - Jenn R.

"How do we have friends? Oh right, we pay for them, oh shit!" - Jenn R.

"I don't think there's anything worse than a papercut... except maybe AIDS" - Jenn R.

""Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice --" - Ken Burns

"PUT A PURITY RING ON" - Colin M.

"I watch sports... and scratch myself. I'm not cultured." - Ken Burns

"I have never seen a vagina that looks like that," - Jenn R.

"I'm sure he does... he probably has them in every shade of homo" - Jenn R.

"It's like a dog that humps your leg... you feel bad, but you just have to kick it" - Katie T.

"Take your pecker meds or you'll have a wet noodle" - my grandmother

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to blow into a double reed?!" - Patrick A.

"That sound makes me wanna make a power point. Power points were my favorite part of high school" - Patrick A.

"I'm pretty sure they just decided Hitler was the most tortured artist ever" - Jenn's observation of me, Patrick, Mike, Trey, & Sarah last summer

"He's like a... He-Man Man Man. What I meant to say is, he's all man." - my mom

"Let me ask you this, how far north? Like in the western part of Pennsylvania where all the dumbasses live?" - my mother

"She's bent like this (bends down and sticks ass out) and she thought she was constipated! Its either shit or a baby's head!" - my mom on "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

"I don't know nothin' about havin' a baby" - stupid guy from Georgia who delivered some equally stupid woman from Georgia's baby on someone's living room floor on "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

"He used to play the trombone in high school, but now he's bonin' trannies" - Me.

"If there was anyone that was more him it would be him, and that's totally him" - Me

"Man, you were my fishing buddy and everything. How am I going to do fishing now?" - Woman crying because her boyfriend was cheating on her on Maury

"If you don't be careful, you'll get a hobo livin' in your Narnia" - Rebekah B.

"What's the word for like.. when you make me meet someone? What's that called? Oh, introduce!" - Kelsi M.

"LINDSAY LOHAN IS A FIRE CROTCH" - Brandon Davis

"It wasn't open before I opened it" - Rebekah B.

"Why do they call it Newark? This is the oldest state. It's old as balls. OldAsBallsArk." - Jenn and Me discussing town names in Delaware

"I would be so relieved if I found out you ate my underwear" - Alex F.

"I would accept Jesus Christ as my savior if he could rollerblade on water" - Jenn R.

"Mom, what's a penis?" - me

"If you don't know by now, I can't tell you" - my mother

"I will beat you with your own bitchface" - originally me & Kim M., but now basically everyone in Phi Mu.

"I comforted you!" - Drunk Scott L.

"It looks like little whores on the prairie!" - Girl on Sorority Wars

"... go around on roller skates, drinking your white wine.." - Prof Barth

"Big brewers have baseball players in their tank tops advertising for them... it's not a classy image" - Prof Barth

"I read somewhere that the widget was the best invention of the 21st century.. better than the hydrogen bomb or television... not the Game Boy" - Prof Barth

"The world is full of weenies" - Prof Barth

"...Amanda? Are you folding the dirty socks you just picked up off the floor and putting them back in your drawer?" - Jenn, to me, and she was correct in calling me out.

As I'm eating pickles and drinking wine: "Pickles and wine?" - my grandmother

[We offer her a pickle] "Yeah, I'll take one, I'm not drinking wine" - my grandmother

Point being, she's mildly insane.

"DRUNK PEOPLE CANNOT GIVE CONSENT! NO MEANS NO!" - Me & Kim M.

Me: It's like Legends of the Hidden Temple: Brewery edition

Jeff A.: We can be the blue kegs

"IF IT'S NOT IN THE DUVET, IT DOESN'T EXIST" - Me

"It's like Bloody Mary... if you say his name 3 times, he appears. Wheelchair Jimmy..." - Jenn, me and Jamie

"I'm pretty sure we decided MaryKate Olsen killed Heath Ledger by sucking his soul out his dick... and Kirstie Alley eats orphans" - me, Jenn, Jamie, Erinn, & Sam

"What the actual fuck?" - Jenn R.

"Man, all these creepers are ugly. Couldn't there be a good looking one?" - Alex F. on "To Catch a Predator"

"I will cut your hair in your sleep" - Angelina on Jersey Shore

"What kind of person gets a duck phone to talk on?" - Snooki, on Jersey Shore

"Amanda said 'go fuck yourself and die' so I guess that means no photoshoot, sorry Alex" - Rebekah B.

"Drinks been thrown!" - girl on "For the Love of Ray-J"

"You won't have that much fun till you discover oral pleasure!" - Away We Go

"I met the abortion fairy last night and he was hot" - me on Halloween

"Can we buy this and eat it with a spoon?" - Jenn R. on a tub of cream cheese filling

"I left the club because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I wanted to eat ham and drink water. HAM." - JWoww on Jersey Shore

"There's a fine line between Mexican and clown car. We don't wanna cross it" - lots of us (me, Kelsi, Laurel, Jenn, Pedro, and Ryan) in Kelsi's car

"I call Laurel's lapgun!" - Jenn R.

"I have grilled cheese and a juice Hug. You have a hangover." - me and Jenn on the contrasts of our friendship

"Why does this only ever happen to us? I'm sure no one else is sitting in their room listening to 'Eye of the Tiger' at 11 PM" - me on me and Jenn

"You don't understand. Only a sorority sister would understand an oath like that" - The Haunting on Sorority Row

"It's always a race to get in my mouth" - me

During a game of Kings in our apartment:

"8! Pick a date!"

"Um, the 29th of December?" - Treasure

"Things that are yellow..." - category Kelsi picked

"Orange juice!" - me

"I'm just stressed about the bakesale, okay?" - Puck from Glee

"What does sodomy smell like? Semen, feces, sweat, and possibly latex, depending on the level of commitment" - Jenn R.

"Everything I need to know, I learned on Wikipedia" - Jess M.

"Everyone sort of cooperated and we just kind of hit the ball good" - Charlie Manuel

"There are few things in life that make an old man's nipples hard..." - guy on CSI

"This is what you should grow up to be -- a college graduate who tweets and drinks beer" - guy at a party I was at on Christmas Eve, as I sat on my BlackBerry, dilligently drunk texting

"There are more damn winos around this place!" - "Aunt" Gloria on Christmas Eve.

"I will eat your soul then shit it out!" - Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body

"You're handicapped, not stupid... unless your handicap is stupid" - Me to a driver

"Do you find when you sing at home that a lot of animals show up outside your door?" - Simon Cowell to someone auditioning for American Idol

"Better fat than dead" - Life motto on feeding pets, courtesy of Billy Plichta

"I didn't mean to bring home any zoo creatures whatsoever, they probably just smelled food in the house" - The Situation on Jersey Shore

"Not you, fat Jesus" - cop in the Hangover

Nancy O'Dell, announcer at the Critics Choice Awards: there's so many big celebrities here, like George Clooney, Paul McCartney, Zac Efron..

Me & Jenn: wait, what?!

"How do you know what Diddy feels like when he wakes up in the morning? Maybe he has morning breath. Maybe you don't wanna feel like Diddy" - me & Jenn in the car

"Everything Jim Bob touches turns to pregnant" - me on Jim Bob Duggar

"I perused her pictures IMMEDIATELY" - Chris Bell

"Yeaaaaaaah transactions!" - drunk guy kicking ATM envelopes on Market Street

"They were such white trash"

"Hey, there's a garbage truck! Hey, your ride is here!" - Vinny & Pauly D on Jersey Shore

"I'd be so pissed if I was Italian too. Not because of Jersey Shore, but because I was Italian" - Chris Calvert

"It's sort of like Chuck E Cheese for dudes" - The Situation on Jersey Shore

"If you're crying, this is gonna get awkward really fast" - me to Jenn after she hit her head on the wall and was hysterically laughing

Rebekah: What's your name?

Alex's roommate: Mike

Rebekah: oh, okay. Are you gay?

- Rebekah's version of tact <333

"There's a lot of horse eating in the course" - Rodney Mader

"I just used Hulu as a verb... can I do that?" - Rodney Mader

"My friends caught me giving the middle finger to their baby..." - Rodney Mader

Rodney Mader's quiz scale:

1. Kicked ass

2. Meh

3. I need to throw up

"I can understand why nobody would admit to needing to throw up... that could get awkward, people scooch away in their chairs.."

"I didn't even know what a fellatio was" - girl in my soc class

Soc Professor: How are you guys dancing these days? Like what moves do you guys do?

Kid behind me: Fist pump

"Sex in the ear, I don't care, sex is sex" - girl in my soc class

"I got the Great Value brand of everything, why? Because it's a great value!" - Kelsi McCabe

"Just tell him that you guys aren't socially compatible" - Alex Forester

"I feel like I need to delete my MySpace now..." - me, after meeting MySpace boy in person (I did delete it)

"I retweeted that tweet that I tweeted" - Me

"There's nothing, like, bad ass about Drake" - Cherise Pollard

"If someone's singing patriotic ballads, it's time to go to the bathroom" - Jenn Rothstein on the Grammy's

"Bella should have had vagina dentata" - Jamie Eick on Bella in Twilight

"So they can't watch making out, but they can go spalunking?" - Chris Bell on Teeth

"If those two switch, they'd be the Cingular bars" - Jamie Eick

"What time is your two o' clock class?" - Jenn Rothstein

Me: Like, I don't even know, what does the JD stand for?

Jenn Rothstein: Just Died?

- on JD Salinger's death

"I was gonna ask if the snow was cold..." - Jamie Eick

"In the time it took her to get raped, I ate like 7 pickles" - Jenn Rothstein on Teeth

"There's only 3 pickles left!?! What the fuck, Jenn. I know you're jewish but what the fuck!?!" - Jamie Eick on Jenn beasting pickles

"How does it work? Do you have to fist yourself!?!" - Me on a female condom

"Why are we not fucking?!?!" - Me, even though I have no idea what I said this about

"Why don't you go suck a dick? How else do you propose we do this" - Me to Lukas while trying to find photographers on Facebook

"My cheese is properly positioned on my mental cracker" - Ken Schmidt

My uncle: I actually just watched a whole episode of Survivor the other day

His wife: you did?!

My uncle: Yeah, I had my iPod on..

"So what's up with that bong next to you...?" - Cop on COPS

"So we were practicing burn outs..." - the beginning of one of my uncle's stories

"He didn't have a car. Had a dirtbike." - my uncle telling a story about some guy driving down the road on a dirtbike carrying a 6 pack of beer

"You're all on drugs and they're not good ones" - some woman to my uncle & his friends when they were young

"Don't try this at home, we're professionals" - my uncle to my 10 yr old step cousin telling her not to do anything of the things him & my mom did when younger

"We need to go back North. That was a little too much South for me" - my mom

"I'm excited to support this tremendous group of men..." - some probably flaming ice skater

Jenn: What is another word for realistic?

Kristi: real-esque?

"I have the audience of a stand up comedian with the credibility of a PHd" - Rodney Mader

"If there's a little P in the V, ALL THE BETTER" - Rodney Mader

"Yes. I was excited about the money.. but THE BALLOONS, I was really excited for." - Grand Supreme winner on Toddlers in Tiaras - it is important to note she won $5000

Jenn: What are you giving up for lent?

Me: Restraint? Morals?

"If I tied a lot of ice to a limb, would people think I was athletic?" - Jenn Rothstein

"Like mom always said, fuck a horse and you'll die from a perforated colon" - said about the guy who died fucking horses

"He saw the face of God and God is Clay Aiken" - some comedian talking about a Claymate

"Sometimes when I roll up in my Swaggerwagon..." - some guy in a Toyota commercial

Rebekah at a basketball game: aren't you supposed to be able to MAKE the basket if no one's blocking you?

"Thank god for foreign work ethic" - Alex Forester when we got Chinese delivered in a full on BLIZZARD

"You keep this up, and I'm hitting you in the head with my hot RA's frying pan" - Kim March

"So what kind of rad tunes do you listen to on your Walkman when you go spalunking?"

"COME AT ME, BRO!" - Ronnie from Jersey Shore

"Why do they assume all basketball fans like hip hop music? I feel like they're racial profiling..." - Me

"How are they all moving at once and not colliding? I'm mesmerized..." - Me

"It would be like a really tall collision" - Jenn Rothstein

"Boot weekend...?" - Jamie Eick

"I would think that one of us would have a mini strobe light from a discount clearance bin somewhere" - Jenn Rothstein

"You come from good, strong drinking stock" - my mother

Mom's Cousin Paul: this is my long lost girlfriend! (while hugging my mom)

Cousin Danny: dude, she's your cousin

*my dad lurks up behind them*

Cousin Danny: Look, Doug's gettin' jealous

Dad: Nah, I just have to pee

*sidles past them and goes upstairs*

What's 20 feet long and has 10 teeth?

The funnel cake line at Zern's

"If you were to go to an Olympic event, it wouldn't be curling" - Carly, my 11 year old cousin

After a skiier ate shit: face in the snow, face in the snow, lookin' like a fool with your face in the snow - my aunt

"That car sounds like a party" - Jamie Eick about a car with a really loud stereo blasting rap

"That thunder out there is the Republican Party being really angry about last night" - Seth Kahn

Old Man to toddler: are you showing off your abs? Are you The Situation?

"Kildare's is like TGI Fridays, with Irish shit on the walls" - Cullen

*Burnin' Up comes on Shuffle* "LEAVE IT! I SAT THROUGH BILLIE JEAN!" - Jenn to me

"Nothing can haunt a box!" - Jamie Eick

"Jamie, I love you as much as R.Pattz loves his box" - me to Jamie

"Cap-sleeved, rouched, scoop-necked" - flaming guy's description of a dress at Boscov's. The woman working the register had NO IDEA where to begin describing it

"What is this?" - Ben

"It's Boo-Boo Man" - Ricky - Secret Life of the American Teenager

"Is that what pussy comes from?" - Kid in class to my lit professor

"Blowing your brains out is what you SHOULD be doing" - Dr. Geetha Ramanthan

"Meet his semi-conscious trainer, Nick. Also known as NarcoleptNick." - Commentator on "Is She Really Going Out with Him?"

Me: What the fuck rock did you live under?

Chris Bell: Fraggle

"Just because she has bad hair doesn't mean you have to stereotype her and think she's Jihadist'" - my mother on Jihad Jane

"When I saw Taylor Lautner at the Academy Awards, I was furious, because he had a shirt on." -Colin McGlinchey

"Doctors suspect the baby will be no more than four feet, eleven inches." - Guy diagnosing someone's baby with dwarfism on Mystery Diagnosis (while Jenn and I watched... she's 4'11")

"My ocarina is bouncing on my sternum." - girl playing frisbee in the Quad.

"It's surprise sex" - Jenn Rothstein on rape

"I wanna be a life coach. You don't need a degree for that, you just eat a lot of life cereal" - Jamie Eick

"I wish to ravish ye" - best pick up line ever

"I'm so Mexican I sleep in a sombrero" - Me

"I'm so Mexican I shit tacos." - Me

"This is like the worst come I've ever swallowed" - Me on WCU's smelly trees

"Mistlephone. Ha ha ha ha" - Dr. T

"You think I write my own lyrics? I'm the lead singer of AFI for fuck's sake" - Jenn Rothstein

“What if today these white board markers smell like fruit? Like, what if today this was cherry?” - Rodney Mader on White Board markers

"I have the OED on my iPhone. Also a light saber" - Rodney Mader

"Maybe the world ended, how can I verify that it didn’t?" - Rodney Mader

"There's something about cranberries, blah" - Rodney Mader

Soc professor: “If I’m this close to someone, what’s going on?”

Kid in Soc Class: “Brolove”

“This reads like a Maury episode” - Somebody in my race seminar about a story we were reading

“War was fought in the bedroom” – Cherise Pollard

“Like Pink, and that crotch glitter thing she had on… that was disgusting” – Cherise Pollard on the Grammys

“I’m gonna raise myself a mustache and call me what you will” – Cherise Pollard

“Marriage doesn’t make someone impossible [to have sex with], this is 2010” – Voss

"He tried to run for president back when you were a zygote” – Cherise Pollard

"He ain’t messin’ with no broke Negro – Cherise Pollard on The Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man

On what guys who are friends would do on a trip to Europe: "They might go and fist pump" - Voss

Miles Vendetti-Houser: I get mean when I get tired

Alex Trantas: I sleep when I get tired.

"Trantas is Greek. Tarantula is spider" - Alex Trantas.

"Hannah, it's a corpse, it can't hear you" - Patrick Armstrong

Jamie: Patrick, where are you going?

Patrick: murdering

"I was standing on the dock yelling, 'Amanda, please don't rooooow!'" - Jamie Eick, after I capsized into the lake

If it makes sense, do it. If not, fuck it. - Alpha Dog

Jenn: Are you going drunk boating alone?

Me: No, I have 2 beers.

Jenn: It says to designate a sober host

Erinn: that's why we have Bob

Jenn: who's Bob?

Erinn: the broom

"It has like, electrolytes and shit!" - Me explaining to Jenn why I always want Gatorade when I'm hung over on the way back from the bar

"He sells drugs out of our pantry" - Flanz's observations on people

"...I have no idea" - more of Flanz's observations on people at his house

"Is that your food? You're an asshole" - Dan Kerrigan

"I don't wanna carry nothin' for no blocks, and I want a bar in my freakin' hotel"

"Hey, where's Kenny's golf cart? Let's get that going!" - things drunk people shouldn't be doing

"I think I have assitis. My ass always hurts"

"You couldn't live up here. He wants 8 kids" - my dad on my 5 year old Amish boyfriend

"Cleanliness is next to Wal-Martness" - my mother

"I am hip" - Miles Vendetti-Houser

Me: TAKE IT OFFF

Jamie: I just put it on!

"I just got hit by your guys's mud" - woman I sprayed with mud that was selling fruit under an underpass in Florida. whoops!

Me: why didn't we do this at the lake?

Erinn: we didn't have wands at the lake!

"We paid $30 for a popcorn catcher!" - me

"No wonder Chinese people are so thin" - Erinn while using her wand to eat

"We're gonna get kidnapped. Wait... we're gonna get adult-napped" - Erinn

Jamie: Any guy in here is automatically 100% more attractive

Erinn: why, because they're sweaty...?

Jamie: ....... Harry Potter fan?

Jenn: want your bad romanceeee

Me; you can borrow my Twilight book

"Is this gonna hurt your day, having to park in the Cat in the Hat zone?" - Erinn to Jamie

"That relationship would have a lot of domestic violence" - me

"Should we eat at the Hogshead or the Three Broomsticks?"

Jamie: We are actually debating this, our lives are awesome

"I'm getting a butterbeer now and a pumpkin juice later... oh my god I just said that" - Jenn

"I'd be a professor"

Me: I'd be sleeping with a professor

"Georgia is 90% water, 5% Waffle House, 2% Huddle House, and 3% mystery" - what me and Jamie decided while driving through Georgia at 4 AM or so during a thunderstorm

"Can we go to the beach and see if we see oil?!" - me after seeing a sign for the gulf coast

"Jamie makes a lot of noises, but police scanner is not in my reproitoire" - Jamie

Jamie: I'm bored.

Erinn: we're still in Pennsylvania!

- on our way to Florida

Slogan: Come hungry, leave happy

Some guy: TROJAN!

- during Quizzo

"What is that fag's name?" - Jenn

"If nothing else, we know our cartoons" - Jenn

"If you can't beat someone in Scrabble, you can beat someone in knives, which is like Scrabble but you die" - Dylan

"We're like drunk beavers" - some family member about something

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just my allergies."

"Well, you got allergies all over my shoes"

"The people that were assholes then are still assholes now" - some family member on high school reunions

"he looks a lot better when he's not wearing a doo-rag" - Laurel Jones

"I know he peed on 12 year olds, but that wasn't as bad as recording "Trapped in the Closet" - me

"No more spending money on food. Just alcohol and cigarettes" - me

"Behold my giant pirate penis!" - Matt DeLuca

News story: "the graffiti read: 'Satan is back"

my mother and I: "I wasn't aware he had left..."

"Am I on your hose?" - My mom to a woman watering plants at Wegman's

"Through all the parties, through all the diabetes.." - man on Bret Michaels' Behind the Music

"Why do you need them (live chickens) when you have Wegman's?" - My mother

After the Who's the Boss theme song plays: "I feel like I'm in an elevator right now, going up!" - Jenn Rothstein

On these lyrics: "I could stay awake, just to hear you breathin'"

"That is crazy, go the fuck to sleep!" - Jenn Rothstein

"After he realized I put my number in his phone, he tried to text me "lovey" and like, I watched him do it, and it autocorrected to "loony" and he just sent it anyway" - Jenn, on drunk Matt. Love it.

 "He has a molestache" - Ashley Rothstein

While "Sneakernight" by Vanessa Hudgens was on in IKEA, Jamie & Jenn had this conversation: 
Jamie: basically... what we're gonna do is dance
Jenn: basically what we're gonna do is buy moderately priced Swedish housewares

"I thought I had books with me, opened my bag, and found one notebook and three PBR" - Alex Trantas

"Sofa tho? When home girl has a fresh Ass big nice bed" - K.Fed

"idk, usually first dates aren't after meeting someone 6-7 pants" - Dave Pritchard
Follow up text: "6-7 times. Fucking auto correct" 

"I am going to the benefit of AID, it is AID's benefit. Trust me, it was the vocal point of my evening. It made it to the billiard top 100" - Jenn Rothstein

"I just walked out on my mom's cousin playing 'Bad Romance' on the bagpipes" - Jamie Eick

Patrick, while I was talking about my family being critical of vegetarianism: "Oh yeah? Try being gay" 

"You should have as much sex with your boyfriend as you can before he dies, because you don't know when he'll die" - me

"So we were having a thumb war..." - me starting a conversation

"How the duck did I spell soberly wrong?" - Ashley Rothstein

"If I were president, all I would do is change the names of things and name them after myself. Like, if I were Barack Obama, broccoli would now be "Barackli" - Dylan Moore

"Straight up now tell me why Paula Abdul is playing in the waiting room of the doctor's office" - Jenn Rothstein

"Did you ever think about how if you take the G off of grapefruit it becomes 'rapefruit'?" - Dylan Moore

"It smells like a vampire's dinner" - Ashley Rothstein about the bathrooms at East Stroudsburg

"You want to God to understand how good at partying you are so when he's picking people out to chill with for all eternity, he knows who he wants to party with" - Chris Null on myself and Jenn having an apocalypse party on May 20th

"I defecated on Khloe's fabric" - Santino Rice

"Mr. Bush said he was eating a souffle with Laura and two buddies [when he got the call that Osama Bin Laden was dead]" - the actual news report on this

"They were not terrifying, but they were not delicious" - myself

"SHIT! I thought I accidentally hit confirm on my grandpop's friend request" - Ashley Rothstein

"Holyshit I'm annoying" - Ashley Rothstein